Are you kidding me?

Every once in a while you have something happen that is so god damn gangster, you've got to tell the story. This applies to my week.

So I got in Monday from Detroit around noon and literally took a nap, showered, and got back into the car to go perform at the Punchline Comedy Club in downtown San Fran. I cut my trip short so I could come back for the punchline show, which ended up working into my favor. Tuesday I received an email from the San Jose IMPROV asking me if I'd like to open for Jim Breuer. Of course I would.

I found out I'd be emcee'ing the show and Kris Tinkle would be feature. Tinkle is one of my favorite comics on stage and off, so I knew good times were ahead. The shows were great, the girls were hot, and the drinks were stiff. Which worked into our favor, since we got to see an extremely chesty female with tig'o'bitties chew on JCH(one of the IMPROV top dogs).

Anyways, on to the good stuff. Jim Breuer was a cool guy, eventhough it took him 4 days to remember my name. But hey, I'm Douchey McNutsack, I just host the show. I don't expect a guy like him to remember. But he tried, and we shared a good conversation or two about baseball and what not. Breuer was always one of my top 10 personal favorite comics, and the guy lived up to what I had hoped for. Awesome.

However, sunday night the guy made me shit my pants. Breuer is well known for doing an EXACT replication of Metallica's James Hetfield on stage. It's dead on, and it's awesome. Anyways, he walks in the door on sunday night, and he's got James Hetfield with him. Wait, what? Yes. JAMES F'N HETFIELD. LEAD SINGER OF METALLICA! I told the club manager "I'm going so gay right now, you don't know how many times I've imagined myself beating the shit out of 10 people to that guy's songs." I NEVER get nervous on stage, but I will admit I was crapping a bit. I hadn't been this nervous since I performed in front of Robin Williams. But this was so much different. James Hetfield is a god. I looked into the balcony where he was sitting during my set, and he wasn't even sitting in a chair. He was standing on a thunder cloud, backlit by the sun, shooting lighting into the audience. It was INSANE.

And that's when things got momentarily lame. Some guy, during my closing joke, walked up to the stage from the back of the theater and popped a squat ON the stage, no more than a foot in front of me. I could reach out and pet him, although I was compelled to do something else to the back of his head that involved my foot. Luckily, I didn't panic, said something witty and funny in relation to the guy, and ended my set gracefully to the best of my abilities. But I couldn't stop thinking about the fact that the Metal God sat there and saw all of this, and I will be the first to say this was not my finest evening. I thought great, now I'm a complete d-bag in front of one of my musical heroes and one of my comedy heroes. "FUCK" I thought to myself. So I went and had that ass clown tossed.

Let me rewind for a quick second to before the show when James and Jim walked in. We had been standing there talking to Larry Bubbles Brown when they walked in, and we immediately fagged out and ditched poor Larry to run upstairs like little girls. We passed by the headliner green room and saw James standing there talking to Jim. From the regular green room we could hear James talking, and hear that voice that is so ridiculously recognizable. We closed the door to the green room and proceeded to rock out on the IMPROV couch, kicking into a spirited air band version of master of puppets. Tinkle was Hetfield, I was Lars, and we rocked that shit. We then opened the green room door and casually strolled by back down to get the show started as if we had no clue who the guys was.

Fast forward to the end of the show. Tinkle and I decided there was no way we were letting Hetfield and Breuer leave without us getting proper visual documentation that we were actually all in the same place, on the same show, at the same time. We decided that we were going to have a battle plan in order to make this happen, and we swung into full effect. We moved the merch table close to the stairs so that leaving would be a little difficult without crossing our path. As the emcee, it's my job to close the show, say goodnight, plug upcoming shows and merch, etc. Usually this takes a minute or two and allows the headliner to make his way to the green room or out the door to be unbothered. However that night, I basically said goodnight, check the website, BYE! I then booked up the ramp to the front door and met a smiling Kris Tinkle: "They haven't left yet dude."

I strolled up to the green room calm, cool, casual, Bond style. I grab my things, walk past the green room and see the guys in chill mode and think "jackpot" as I stroll back down the stairs. We stood at the merch table selling t-shirts, shaking hands, kissing babies, signing boobies, all the shit that we don't actually do but would like to think we do. Actually, Tinkle had his share of hands to shake and shirts to sign and sell. In the meantime, I was avoided like the plague since I was the lowly host, which was fine with me because it gave me the opportunity to focus on achieving a succesful photo to write a boring blog about for people who have half a clue who these guys are. They stroll down the stairs, I shake hands with Breuer and say thanks for letting me open the program, and ask for the picture. Biggity bam, it's on, smile, cheese, CLICK. Then the best part: Hetfield leans over and says to Tinkle, "so where's MY Tinkle t-shirt?" Tinkle scrambles to come up with one of the only shirts he had left: a baby blue Kris Tinkle "I did it" t-shirt. Awesome. The lead singer of one of the most, if not the most important metal band of all time will be walking around sporting a baby blue Kris Tinkle shirt. That's metal.

Awesome weekend, even better ending to it.

Movie review: The Happening *possible spoilers*

This weekend I had the chance to take in the new movie "The Happening". The basic plot of the movie is that the earth is upset with us for doing all of the bad things we do to it, so it decides we are a threat and goes into population control. It does so by releasing toxins into the air that basically re-wire the human brain to go from feeling the need to protect your body, to feeling the need to do yourself harm. Scary, yes.

Basically, it was a 2-hour political statement on how we are mis-treating the earth, and how if we aren't careful, we run the risk of the earth deciding we need to be wiped out. I didn't leave this movie feeling like I needed to be smarter about how I used and abused the environment, I left this movie feeling like we needed to do one thing: KILL ALL THE PLANTS. Those motherfuckers are out to get us.

I felt the movie had an interesting concept: releasing toxins into the air that make us want to kill ourselves. But I feel as a topic, it's a bit overdone. We have already had a real-life issue with something similar. Every time I hear a song by Daughtry, I in fact want to kill myself. Screw worrying about earth, what are we going to do about Daughtry? And everytime I hear Paul McCartney's "Simply Having a Wonderful Christmas Time" I think I could easily punch small children or orphan puppies in the face.

Good movie? It was okay. I'm not so sure it was worth the $118 I paid for the movie ticket, which, if you haven't been recently, is now the standard movie price. Everyone is bitching about gas prices, but what the hell are we doing about movie ticket prices? There's no way "fast and the furious 4: brazilian ball buster" will be worth that much to see.

Summary: It was an interesting movie, for about the first hour. After an hour of watching people kill themselves, you eventually start to consider your own options.

Movie Grade: C+

Are you ready for some football?

It seems like just yesterday Eli Manning threw the touchdown that propelled the New York Giants into a stunning victory over the juggernaut New England Patriots, thus ending an attempt at a perfect season and causing coach Bill Belichick to question the makeup of his team and his decision to cut all the sleeves off his sweatshirts. 2008 has arrived, and with the release of EA's Madden 2958 on the horizon, I would like to provide a quick rundown of what I predict for an exciting upcoming football season. Here are a few of the teams I think will be the teams to watch. HIKE!


* Oakland Raiders:
I'll start with my favorite team, the Oakland Raiders. With a 2nd year quarterback still developing, and the top running back in the draft, the question most raider fans will be asking this year is: Will any games be televised this year?

Strengths: A loyal fanbase ready to kick, scream, and stab for their favorite team. Also, with the addition of Arkansas RB Darren McFadden, you can expect Oakland to live up to it's reputation as The Raider Gang Nation.

Weaknesses: Not enough police presence at the game to keep those loyal fans from killing eachother, causing a lack of sellouts leading to more non-televised games.

Prediction: Darren McFadden will lead the league this season in baby's mama's.



* Miami Dolphins:
After a long offseason of bickering between Bill Parcells, the Miami Dolphins, and Jason Taylor, I firmly believe that the Dolphins are in gear, and ready to shoot for a title. Not a division title, a dancing with the stars title. Hopefully next time, that bitch Christie Yamaguchi won't be involved.

Strengths: Thanks to Jason Taylor's appearance on Dancing With the Stars, the Miami Dolphins can return to their place as one of the league's most popular teams thanks to a rise in interest from the local Gay community. They will also have a shot in the arm thanks to the return of their beloved mascot Snowflake, recently returned safely thanks to none other than Ace Ventura, Pet Detective.

Weaknesses: They are still the Miami Dolphins.

Prediction: Bill Parcells belt line will eventually rise up and over his head, causing him to be unable to breathe or color his hair candy cotton yellow.



* Atlanta Falcons:
Finally, the Michael Vick era has come to an end and the Atlanta Falcons can move ahead with a painfully normal team. It will be interesting to see how they move on from Vick's amazing passing numbers of around 120 yards passing a game, epic stats had he been quarterbacking a pop warner team in Ohio. So what's next for the Falcons?

Strengths: They drafted a top quarterback, hired a new coach, and have re-bolstered their defense. They appear poised to compete for the coveted 3rd place slot in the NFC South.

Weaknesses: They still have PETA boycotting their games, which will hurt the sales of hot dogs and chicken. Their food sales will have to rely solely on the attendance of the Ying Yang Twins. Also, with a severe lack of talent, this team has less stars than the Chevy Chase Celebrity Roast.

Prediction: DE Jonathan Babineaux will lead the team in passing, while Michael Vick's "Ron Mexico" jersey will still be a top selling item at the Falcons Team Store.



* New England Patrios:
The 2007-2008 "not quite World Champions" look to re-bound from a stunning Super Bowl loss to the "not sure they should've been there" New York Giants. The offseason brought many key losses to their roster, as well as controversy surrounding the Spy-gate issue, in which the Patriots were unfairly questioned and punished for cheating fair and square. Remember kids, in the words of Al Bundy: "It's only cheating if you get caught." Right Bill?

Strengths: The team has invested a lot of time and money into a new technology in which they have secretly planted computer chips in opposing team's under armour athletic wear that controls the neurotoxins in the brain which help you hold onto the ball and remember the plays. While this was previously tested and was unsuccessful with Reggie Jackson in the movie "The Naked Gun", a few technological tweaks have led to the perfection of the new system.

Weaknesses: They will no longer to be able to blatantly cheat the system, and will have be disadvantaged by drawing up plays and having to guess what their opponent is going to do.

Prediction: Tom Brady's perfect girlfriend, looks, and life will lead to a jealous revolt in the locker room in which he is killed by the rest of the team. They will be forced to rely on second-string QB Matt Cassell who exists primarily in video games, and is mythical in existence.